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Hello and welcome to the “Life Lessons from the Dance Floor” blog! Dancing has been one of my greatest joys and self-care tools for five decades, and I hope to dance into my nineties! This art form has helped me through numerous life challenges and to discover/rediscover my authentic self time and again.

As a very young child, I recreated movie dance numbers and performed in my home basement. In middle school, I disco danced in the cafeteria along with my classmates every morning before the bell rang (my social studies teacher was the DJ). In high school, I danced in The Boyfriend and Pippin and West Side Story musicals. In college and as a young adult, I dabbled in adult jazz and ballet lessons. When my children were young, I held Saturday night family dance parties in our living room. I became a “dance mom” and performed with other parents in some of my daughter’s recitals and Nutcracker ballets.

After my marriage ended I delved into competitive ballroom and Latin dancing for five years and also tried club salsa dancing. During the pandemic, I cranked classics and boogied around my house every day to keep my spirits up. Post-pandemic I went out club and swing dancing wearing a mask. The last few years I took up group and private tap lessons, dipped my toes back into ballroom lessons, and dabbled with bachata and salsa classes. One of my life goals is to dance as often as possible and enjoy as many styles as possible including ballroom, tap, salsa, and swing — and of course, disco!

Shakin’ My Groove Thing

Hello! It’s been too long since I last posted because, well…Life. Including unexpected early retirement, family medical challenges, traveling, finishing my novel, et cetera. But I’m happy to report that I have in fact danced a lot since my previous post. After a friend gave me a salsa lesson gift certificate for my last birthday, I took some private and group salsa and bachata lessons. While I haven’t yet managed to push myself out of my introverted comfort zone to venture into the social dance scene again, Spring is just around the corner with its endless possibilities.

I also enjoyed adult group tap class again, at two different studios (one in my suburb and one in the city, with different teachers and age demographics), in which I learned more about tap and myself. Last fall I also took more private ballroom dance lessons, working on waltz, tango, foxtrot, and Viennese. This reinvigorated my dream of dancing the Viennese waltz in Vienna, preferably during the balls season, and ideally on New Year’s Eve. I learned that a dance friend of mine has the same dream, and we talked about traveling to Vienna together around our 60th birthdays, which happen to be a few months apart.

Every one of these dance styles and experiences is a gift. Another gift I’m grateful for is the supreme joy I feel when dancing around my living room (or sometimes my basement or hotel room) by myself, playing my favorite songs on the Spotify list I created. Sometimes I blast the speaker with disco lights that strobe to the beat. Sometimes I dance with my eyes closed, and am transported to whatever decade and time in my life each song evokes. Every single time — whether I’m doing the twist, swing dancing, salsa dancing, disco dancing, freeform dancing — or all of the above, as I did tonight, I am 100% guaranteed to feel better after shakin’ my groove thing without a care in the world. If you haven’t turned your living room or basement into your own personal dance floor, I highly recommend trying it!

Dance Therapy

[[Note: this post was written in May, 2024]]

Dancing is my preferred form of therapy. Heartbroken and fresh in the shock of betrayal that ended a three year relationship, I forced myself to attend a West Coast swing class followed by a social dance. It was out of my comfort zone and I was numb in mourning, but proud of myself for getting out, interacting with others, and enjoying movement. The following week I participated in group ballroom lessons, private ballroom lessons, and a ballroom/Latin social dance. I was feeling slightly lighter, though I broke down crying with my teacher when I couldn’t master the Viennese steps and had to excuse myself during a waltz with a stranger at the social dance when a “trigger song” that tugged at my heartstrings was played.

Weeks later, I felt emotionally lighter and physically stronger in my private lessons. I was joking and laughing with my teacher, and mastered the tricky Viennese steps we were working on. I felt a little less raw when dancing to another trigger song. After my women’s adult tap class I realized my brain was thinking less about my breakup for longer stretches of time. I could tell from my dancing — which requires mind, heart, body, and soul — that with each passing week, grief was working its way through those so that I could return to myself again.

A month later I attended a women’s retreat at the ocean. It was a joyous few days of reconnecting with myself and over 40 amazing women. We walked the beach, did yoga, made a craft, hiked in the forest, played games, did a writing activity, sang songs, and chatted over meals. And on Saturday night, we danced for hours. We danced and laughed with abandon in a big circle around a large djembe drum. We danced to disco, Motown, salsa, and pop hits from various decades. We took turns dancing in the middle and banging the drum. We bonded through the joy of expressive movement. I went to sleep exhausted and energized, and dreamt of choreographing a group dance number. The next morning, everyone shared something they do when they need spiritual renewal. Most of the responses were spending time with friends, walking in nature, and dancing. My answer was dancing.

A Valentine to Dancing

Well, I survived another Valentine’s Day – a holiday charged with societal expectations that are hard to live up to even if one is in a romantic relationship. It is also celebrated by (single) women as “Galentine’s Day.” This holiday I’m focusing on love and gratitude for my galentines who inspire me and have supported me through many ups and downs, and for my children who are the loves of my life. I’m grateful my daughter came over at lunch to give me purple tulips and raspberry dark chocolate. I’m grateful my son called from college to touch base and ask how I’m doing. I’m grateful for my health, meaningful work, cozy home, and the joy dancing brings me.

After meeting one of my galentines at a cafe after work, I went to my 8pm adult tap class. My teacher had offered to cancel it, to be sensitive to women who may be celebrating with their romantic life partner, but the students declined the offer. All of us — both married and single — emphasized how much we need tap dance in our lives.

My two adult group tap classes this week (practiced the Shim Sham in one and a routine to NKOTB in the other) and my private ballroom lesson (focused on waltz and foxtrot) brought their signature endorphins to my brain and giddy smile to my face. I can always count on dance to make me feel fantastic, no matter what else is going on in my work or personal life. And for these reasons, this is my VALENTINE TO DANCING.

Humbled

This week and last I took two adult tap classes and private ballroom lesson. I loved them all for different reasons, and my teachers are all great for different reasons. One tap class focuses on performance choreography, and the other on classical training and tap history. Tapping in sync with a group of women at different stages in life feels nourishing and empowering. In the Wednesday night class we watched a classic clip with Gregory Hines paying homage to Sammy Davis Jr., then attempted to do our own paradiddles routine. That was humbling after watching the greats and then our professional teacher do a complex fast sequence with several top teen dancers in the studio. I was proud of myself for being able to keep up for most of the slow version of the paradiddle routine (single, single, double, double, single – repeat; single, single, triple, triple, single). It takes tremendous focus and mindfulness. There is no time for negative self talk if I miss a step, because then I’m lost and don’t want to throw off the others as we create a beautiful syncopated group sound.

I was also humbled in my ballroom lesson this week (and every lesson I’ve ever had because the artform is so technically complex). My awesome teacher took me back to ballroom walking basics (brush heel on 1, toe step on 2, 3, heel down on the &…). Learning to walk again is just what I needed to improve my base and foundational skills. There’s no faking footwork when one “ballroom walks” across the studio alone, just like there’s no faking tap footwork (it is clearly audible when one missteps). 

Another epiphany I had is updating my previous observation that dance is about physics and feelings to: dance is about physics, feelings, and personality (and connection in any type of partner dancing). We are practicing smooth ballroom style (this week was waltz and foxtrot, last week waltz and tango), which involves letting go of close hold for each partner to express themselves (e.g., with a dramatic arm movement). As a dancing scientist, I am continually challenged to balance physics with feelings and personality!

New Year, More Dance!

Happy New Year, friends! I am thrilled to be resurrecting my 2017 dance blog and happy you are reading this! Fall 2023 was challenging for me, as I was very ill with pneumonia for several months while also adjusting to the isolating “empty nest” phase. One of my goals/intentions/resolutions for a joyous 2024 is to dance as much as possible and I’m off to a good start. I enjoyed a fun fourth ballroom lesson at my new studio on Friday. While I’m still very rusty from taking a long pandemic-related hiatus, the fundamentals are coming back slowly but surely and my “dance bliss” practicing American smooth waltz and tango was as effervescent as ever. We joked about how I tend to dance like a scientist (that I am, analytically breaking down the moves and mechanics) and I am grateful for the gentle reminders that dance is about both feelings and physics. Every lesson is a humbling experience, since there is always more to learn and work on with ballroom dance technique. Professional dancers make it look effortless, but in fact every step involves mindful awareness of balance, legs and footwork, partner connection, and frame posture (torso, head, arms and hands). Graceful execution is a complex equation of many variables in every second of a dance. I find the mental and physical challenge incredibly fun and rewarding.

In addition to more ballroom lessons in the year ahead, I look forward to starting a new series of adult tap classes this week and I tried salsa, bachata, and hip-hop lessons at a nearby studio open house last week. I had a blast and it was an enriching social experience with a packed room of passionate dancers. Because I had dabbled in those styles previously I was able to keep up and fit in dance-wise. However, as we rotated bachata partners I couldn’t help notice that I’m decades older than most people there. Thankfully it didn’t seem to matter on the dance floor -but that observation led me to ponder afterwards if some dance styles are more suited to certain age groups than others. A trip that night down the Google rabbit hole led me to find many inspirational “older” dancers (including women decades older than me) that emphasized age is just a number and that if people love to dance they should as long as they can with whatever styles bring them joy. I strive to be one of those women! Feel free to share your thoughts in the Contact page of this blog about your favorite styles of dance.

Joys of Tap Dancing

When I was around five years old I started watching Shirley Temple movies on our old television, enthralled with the tap dancing routines of this talented charismatic girl around my age, lighting up the screen. I memorized her moves and tried to reenact scenes in my basement to escape family dramas upstairs. It would be decades later when I bought my own tap shoes, first to tap around the house with my daughter and then to rediscover the joy of it after I paused ballroom dancing.

In my first adult beginner group tap class, I was delighted to learn a “Singin’ in the Rain” routine, but alas that was cut short by the pandemic. Last year I took a private class and was thrilled warming up to the Beatles and Taylor Swift then learn “Another Day of Sun” from La-La Land. No matter what type of bad day I had at work, it was 100% guaranteed I would leave the dance studio spouting endorphins and smiling like Gene Kelly.

In my most recent tap class series I was feeling overconfident the first lesson because I had more dance experience than the other women, who were newcomers—until our wise and experienced teacher asked us to do 2 counts of 8 with improv to express our soul. She asked me to go first, and I panicked trying to remember steps from the La-La-Land number. The steps I did remember did not go well with the music. I danced like a stressed engineer following a logic diagram, who is good with a recipe or prepared speech but not comfortable going off script. The other women with less dance experience tapped with simpler steps than mine but radiated joy and expressed their souls in how they moved their bodies to the 1929 version of “Just a Gigolo.” I felt humbled, and ready to challenge myself again next week. If I learn to improvise tap with heart and soul, I will reward myself with purple patent leather tap shoes like the ones my teacher rocks.   

Staying Centered

Last week I gave a big presentation for work. My colleague who has seen me give numerous talks over the years commented afterwards that he has never seen me so calm. Usually my heart races then I speak too quickly, rushing to finish and not enjoying the experience. “What was different this time?” he asked. “I was in ballroom dancer mode,” I replied.  This time I summoned the courage of a dancer about to step onto the competition floor, and recalled what my teachers have taught me about walking with poise to enjoy sharing and connecting. After striding confidently to the podium, smiling and making eye contact as I greeted the audience, I heard myself speak in a clear, slow voice I almost didn’t recognize. I was fully present and not flustered even when my cell phone alarm started chiming from within my pocketbook in the back of the room. Rather than interrupting the flow by running to turn it off, I just took a breath and kept going.

This feeling of being completely centered is something I’ve experienced through yoga, hiking in nature, and ballroom dancing — not often enough, but increasingly more. In dancing, if body and mind are both centered, even the Viennese Waltz and Quickstep can seem as if I have all the time in the world.  Sometimes re-centering is best achieved with a posture adjustment, and sometimes with a deep focusing breath. With more practice, I hope to find that center more quickly whenever I’m thrown off balance both on and off the dance floor. How do you stay centered in challenging situations?

Fellowship

Last year at this time I flew alone to Spain to hike the the last 100km of the oldest pilgrimage in Europe, the Camino de Santiago or Way of St. James. Since that life altering experience, my journey of spiritual growth, self-discovery, and healing has continued. One of the many things that makes the Camino so special is the fellowship of seekers from all over the world sharing stories, meals, accommodations, faith, and encouragement. As the saying goes, friends are the family we choose. My extended family includes those fellow pilgrims I met last summer, as well as all those friends over my lifetime who shared my childhood, witnessed my marriage, celebrated my children’s birthdays, comforted me through my daughter’s surgeries, supported me through divorce, cheered me on at dance competitions, and lightened my backpack in numerous other ways.

On the pilgrim’s passport stamped along The Way, the Spirit of the Camino is summarized in these words: “Live in the moment. Welcome each day – its pleasures and its challenges. Make others feel welcome. Share. Feel the spirit of those who have gone before you. Imagine those who will follow you. Appreciate those who walk with you today.” The message of the daily mass in the breathtaking Santiago cathedral, where thousands of weary travelers gather at the end of the pilgrimage, is to take that spirit and fellowship back home. In life, as on the Camino in Spain, some are meant to join us for the long haul and others for just a short while, but we all learn from each other and our shared experiences. Today I appreciate everyone who has walked – and danced – with me along life’s journey.

Confidence

A few years ago when I was recently separated and in the depths of despair, my friend and hairdresser, who had been telling me about her ballroom dance hobby for years, encouraged me to take a trial lesson at her studio. “One day can bend your life” is a quote I like from Mitch Albom; the day I booked that appointment was one of those days for me. When I nervously stepped onto the dance floor and my teacher took my hand to lead, I was unsettled to have such close physical contact with a stranger and felt like a deer in headlights. But he immediately put me at ease, and I was hooked on ballroom dancing. I started taking lessons on my Fridays off while my kids were in school, and soon the dance studio became my “happy place.” As a newcomer learning American Smooth and Rhythm styles (with salsa, hustle, bachata, and other social dances mixed in) and experiencing the exhilaration of my first competitions, my confidence grew until I was catapulted from an empty shell to a confident woman again. “Spread your wings…chest and heart open…stand up and show up…let the ground support you but stay lifted…posture and presence…strong and out…up and forward…sparkle!” These words and phrases were gemstones on my journey of healing through my divorce. My teacher would often jokingly say we’re “kind of a big deal” and helped me regain self-confidence that carried over in my personal life. Divorce may have knocked the wind out of my sails, but those early lessons from my first ballroom teacher helped fill them again.

Strength

As important as softening is in Standard ballroom dances, strength is important in Latin dances – Cha-Cha, Rumba, Jive, Paso Doble, Samba. Dancing both styles helps balance my yin and yang. Lessons with my teacher Mark remind me to stand tall, make every muscle and movement as strong as possible, and use resistance to its advantage. Push, pull, wait, go, come together, pull apart. I think coping in the times we collectively live in, and with our own individual challenges requires both strength and softness. Staying positive after reading the daily news requires strength of mind and resistance to negativity, while at the same time softening the heart to cultivate kindness and connection to others. The name Valerie means strength, and my therapist tells me I am one of those people “strong at the broken places” (from a Hemingway quote), but on some days I feel more broken than strong. On those days, such as yesterday, I use various coping skills such as prayer, gratitude, hugging my children, reaching out to friends, listening to music (lately the La La Land soundtrack), reading inspirational quotes, eating dark chocolate, and remembering my lessons from the dance floor to take it one strong, intentional step at a time. How do you cope on the broken days?